


The Shadows and Monsters

by KatiKitten



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-15 01:29:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29676336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KatiKitten/pseuds/KatiKitten
Summary: Wanda doesn't fit anymore. She's too big and too small and she doesn't fit inside her bones inside her skin inside herselfthe way she used to and she doesn't know what it means and she doesn't know how to fix it or even if it really can be fixed and she just wants to be herself again but herself was stripped away a long time ago, leaving a monster behind.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	The Shadows and Monsters

  
_( I'm bigger than my body  
I'm colder than this home  
I'm meaner than my demons  
I'm bigger than these bones) _

* * *

Wanda doesn't fit anymore. She's too big and too small and she doesn't fit inside her bones inside her skin inside her _self_ the way she used to and she doesn't know what it means and she doesn't know how to fix it or even if it really can be fixed and she just wants to be herself again but herself was stripped away a long time ago, leaving a monster behind. 

* * *

  
_( I sat alone, in bed till the morning  
I'm crying, "They're coming for me"  
And I tried to hold these secrets inside me  
My mind's like a deadly disease) _

* * *

The downside to telepathy is that Wanda learns a lot of things she'd rather not know. She knows a lot of secrets that she never asked for, and the weight hangs off of her like a rock around her neck. She's known for a long time that she was different, she knew when people were lying from a young age, and the only explanation she could give was that it made her brain itch. But people don't like what's different, and the twins were _different._ Different scares people. 

And then HYDRA came, like a monster in the night that parents would tell children stories about to get them to behave. Be good, or the bad man will get you. 

But this was no story. Being good wouldn't hold the monster at bay. 

And the truth is that Wanda is the bigger monster, with sharper teeth and blood on her hands that will never wash off. 

* * *

  
_(And all the kids cried out, "Please stop, you're scaring me"  
I can't help this awful energy  
God damn right, you should be scared of me  
Who is in control?) _

* * *

HYDRA likes to experiment. HYDRA likes to control. HYDRA likes to test their control and make their experiments fall in line. 

Wanda didn't want to fall in line, but it was either strangers or her twin and, well. Wanda's selfish. She'll choose her family every time. 

_Every_ time. 

HYDRA wanted to see what kind of long term effect Wanda could have on people by manipulating their emotions, by guiding their thoughts, by manipulating these people who hadn't done anything to her, whose only crime was being easily malleable and easily overlooked, people that no one would notice if things got worse for. 

Wanda understood these people. She was _one_ of them. But she was also a weapon, a weapon that HYDRA had forged and controlled, and she did what she was told because otherwise, Pietro would be punished for Wanda's disobedience. 

She wished she was a _better_ weapon, because weapons don't have feelings, and Wanda's always had too many feelings. 

* * *

  
_(I paced around for hours on empty  
I jumped at the slightest of sounds  
And I couldn't stand the person inside me  
I turned all the mirrors around) _

* * *

Wanda hadn't seen her file herself, but she'd seen it through other people's eyes. She had a long list of mental issues, Bipolar Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, General Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, among others. This meant that she had manic episodes where she had to be moving and couldn't sit still, couldn't sleep, had to do do do even if she didn't know _what_ she needed to do, and then the depressive periods would hit where she was near catatonic and unresponsive, sitting quietly in her cell and trying to summon up the energy and willpower to get up. 

It meant that she frequently hated herself, hated what HYDRA had turned her into, hated what she'd been all along. 

She didn't look in the mirror anymore, averting her eyes whenever there was one around, her gaze just skirting straight past her own reflection. 

She didn't need to see herself to know she was the monster under the bed. There was blood on her hands, blood in her past, that she would never be able to cleanse, never be able to outrun. 

HYDRA didn't turn her into a monster. They just unleashed the monster that was already inside of her. 

Pietro's death fed the monster inside of her, fueling it with rage and pain. She wanted the world to burn, to feel the pain she was feeling. Instead she focused it on Ultron, Ultron who simultaneously hated humanity and wanted to be one of them. Ultron, who she understood because she was just like him in so many ways. 

Vision understood. Vision had some of Ultron inside of him, just like she had a monster inside of her. For a while, they understood each other and that was enough. 

* * *

  
_(And all the kids cried out, "Please stop, you're scaring me"  
I can't help this awful energy  
God damn right, you should be scared of me  
Who is in control?) _

* * *

The energy got away from Wanda at the _worst_ possible moment. People died in Lagos and it was _her fault,_ for all that Steve thought it was his for not stopping Rumlow before he hit the button. But it was hers, it was _hers_ because she should have had it and if not she should have just forced it up instead of trying to move it and _hitting a hospital_ and killing people. 

Maybe it was her punishment for The Experiment in Sokovia. 

The others hustled her back to Avengers Tower as quickly as possible, but Wanda knew that it was going to be bad. People were going to blame her because she _was_ the one to blame. 

Steve tried. But she knew the truth. 

Even Pietro's voice in her head wasn't enough to shake her out of her belief that she was the one to blame. He'd always believed in her more than she believed in herself. 

But then it all went to hell; Vision was... well. Vision was _controlling_ sometimes, intruding on her time with her friends and not using the door like most people, and it got worse in the aftermath of Lagos. Tony Stark didn't want her leaving, so rather than _talk to her_ about their concerns, Stark had Vision keep her in the tower and not leave. Vision hurt Clint and tried to physically stop her. 

She loved him, but... 

She hadn't exactly had a lot of examples of healthy relationships but she was pretty sure that was a bad indicator. 

And then the Raft. 

_And then the Raft._

People were afraid of her. Wanda understood that. They had been for a while. People didn't like what was different, and when they didn't like something, they feared it, and she was very different. 

Electricity disrupted her abilities. Clint had learned that back in Johannesburg, when he'd stuck his arrow to her forehead. HYDRA had known before that, because of their own experiments. Somehow, the American government also knew this, or maybe they just took a lucky guess, because they put a collar on her that sent electricity coursing through her body whenever the guards thought that she was doing anything threatening. 

Drugged to the point of nausea, unable to think coherently, arms restrained by a straightjacket, Wanda didn't think she was all that threatening, but apparently the guards thought otherwise because any time she moved or breathed wrong, they would press the button and send electricity through her again. 

She could hear their thoughts, despite the drugs. Hear how they thought about her. 

They didn't think of her as human. 

They were supposed to be the good guys, the ones that protected other people. But they weren't. 

And they were scared of her. 

God damn right they should be scared of her. 

* * *

  
_( I'm bigger than my body_  
I'm colder than this home  
I'm meaner than my demons  
I'm bigger than these bones) 


End file.
